


Double Whammy

by moosetashioedmonocle



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Funny Smut, M/M, Multi, Sexual Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 22:15:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4454405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moosetashioedmonocle/pseuds/moosetashioedmonocle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The walls are thin in Armonia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Double Whammy

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a fun little thing I wrote a while back and forgot to post. Please enjoy! (Also, if there are any spacing issues, I apologize for them.)

“Wait wait. Wash. Listen to this.” Tucker said randomly, pulling away from one of Wash’s sexy kisses to wiggle on the mattress the feds had given him. It creaked and squeaked under him.

“Why did you feel the need to point out the creaky mattress?”

“Wash, this place is like a shitty motel you take a cheap date to!”

“Is that what I am? A cheap date?” Wash asked, biting his lip in the way he knew Tucker liked. Tucker took a deep breath in.

“I’d pay double for you, honey. Bow-chicka-bow wow.”

“Goddamnit it Tucker.” Wash moaned, and not in the good way. He chuckled, though, and Tucker knew his joke had not killed the sexy times.

“You know you love it.”

“Well if you’re paying double for me, I could at least pretend to for a little while. Of course, there’s always one other thing I could-”

“What is it?” Tucker cut him off, a bit too giddy on his own part.

“Well, what’ll you give me?” Wash asks in a sultry voice, moving back to the whole kissing thing. He sucks hickies into Tucker’s neck, leaving Tucker thoughtless and emitting a low “uhhhhhh”

_

“Do you fucking hear that?” Simmons asked from one room over. His pants were around his knees and his head against the wall, but of course the nerd had to ruin the rushed and lustful mood by asking if Grif heard the weird “uhhhhh” noise from the other side of the wall.

“I don’t care.” Grif said, pushing Simmons’ shirt up and placing a kiss right on his bare ass.

“Don’t fucking do that, that’s gross!” Simmons squeaked. Really, it wasn’t that gross, Simmons was at least clean-unlike Grif-but it was just the principle of the thing!

“Shut up, kiss-ass, and let me kiss your ass.”

“Did that even sound good in your-oh!” Simmons perked up instantly as he felt his ass cheeks spread apart and a mouth between them. He gushed out a moan, a moan half-encased in a giggle.

_

“What the fuck noise did you just make?” Wash pulled back with a confused smirk.

“Wasn’t me, dude! I’m the one who’s been dirty talking about using you like a cheap whore.”

“I’m anything but cheap.” Wash purred, kissing at Tucker’s now-exposed chest.

“But you’re okay with whore?”

“Not really, but…I mean…”

“Wash, are you trying to get me to do some weird-ass roleplay?” Tucker asked, chuckling a little. Wash pulled back and stared at him, his face getting red until his eyes widened a little and he looked another way.

“Oh. OH. Wash, no, I’m down for it! Really! I’m kinkier than just that shit, this shit’s tame compared to what I’m into!”

“Yeah, well, for fifty bucks whatever you’re into could be what I’m into.” Wash said, slowly building up the confidence to say it. Tucker swallowed loudly, and he knew Wash could feel his trembling boner beneath his hips.

_

“What? Dude, I’m not giving you fifty bucks!” Simmons cried out, making Grif abruptly stop his wiggling in of his third finger.

“Who said anything about fifty bucks?”

“Didn’t you? Just now?”

“No…” Grif said. The two blinked at each other momentarily.

“Hey, why am I always the bottom?”

“Because you’re really fucking sensitive and I like fucking you.”

“But you’re really lazy. Being a top is work.”

“Trust me, your moaning and screaming is worth a little effort.”

“Aw, I had no idea you liked the sound of my-fuck! Don’t do that!” Simmons cried out, as Grif curled his fingers unexpectedly and made his legs quiver.

_

“Don’t do what? Don’t do what? Are you okay?” Tucker asked immediately, pulling his dick from where it was oh-so-casually lodged in the back of Wash’s throat.

“You were fucking my face, how the fuck would I have said “don’t do that”?” Wash asked with a laugh. Tucker scratched his head.

“Oh. Right. Dude, I think someone else is having sex on the other side of that wall.”

“Don’t call me dude while I’m sucking your dick, please.”

“Okay, bro, whatever you say.” Tucker laughed. Wash bit down a comment about how he sounded like York. Actually, he swallowed it down. It was as easy as swallowing down Tucker’s dick again. Tucker moaned and chuckled at the same time, spouting off some shit about how Wash was a “dirty little slut”. He never knew Wash would be into this sort of thing.

_

“What the fuck is happening over there?”

“Dude, I don’t want to know what they’re doing. I had no idea Tucker was into such kinky shit.” Simmons remarked, moving his ass back a little to fit better with Grif’s dick.

“Tucker? More like Wash. Tucker is a freaky guy, dude.”

“Wash had sex with four freelancers at once one time.”

“Okay, maybe Wash too. Wait-how do you know that?”

“Uh…” Simmons panicked as he realized he knew information he wasn’t meant to-had just been lucky enough to overhear. He immediately changed Grif’s tone with a certain twist of his hips that had the fatass groaning and swearing loudly.

_

“Language.” Wash giggled, wiggling his toes to make sure his legs weren’t falling asleep. He was balancing on his arms, body held up in the air and legs spread all the way apart. Tucker had no idea he was this flexible. He should have asked earlier.

“I didn’t fucking curse!” Tucker chuckled, moving his hips a little faster. His dick rubbed against the outside of Wash’s presented ass, one hand curled to stroke at agent ballerina under him.

“Tucker, don’t-gah-slow down a bit, please-”

-

“What are you doing?”

“You asked me to slow down!”

“No, I asked you to SPEED THE FUCK UP!” Simmons screamed, both legs hitched around Grif’s hips and desperately clutching at Grif’s shoulder as Grif did as requested and sped the fuck up. Simmons couldn’t help it, when it was fast and rough like this, it was hard to bite back screams and moans. Maybe that’s why Grif liked it so much.

-

“Oh my god…oh my god…” Tucker panted, the last bits of his orgasm fading away as he sat down on the mattress, pulling Wash’s hips down with him. Wash grunted as he was lowered from his uncomfortable position, relaxing in a sprawled out way between Tucker’s lap and the floor.

“Is he…screaming?” Wash asked, and sure enough, both of them could hear Simmons’ loud screams of pleasure from the other side of the wall.

“Heh. You could fuck me harder than that.” Tucker remarked with a laugh. Wash turned over to look at him. Both of them started giggling.

-

Standing in the hall was a fucking nightmare. A literal fucking nightmare. Who the fuck was going to explain to Caboose what was going on? The practical love children of the captains were bawling with laughter at the forced screamfest that was happening between the two couples, who were not even really fucking anymore, just screaming at each other about how better their sex was.  
Donut was eating it up with greedy ears. Sarge hadn’t moved from a complete standstill for ten minutes, apart from a wiggling trigger finger. Lopez had shut his ears off the moment he walked in the room.

“You are all the most interesting people I’ve met.” Dr. Grey said from her spot next to a very perplexed and dumbfounded set of leaders. Carolina was leaning heavily on Kimball, laughing so hard she couldn’t stand straight. Doyle shuffled between two nervous pairs of feet, not knowing exactly what to do about this…predicament.

“Church? What is happening?” Caboose asked.

“I don’t know.” Church (Epsilon) said, frantically erasing all files of this particular memory. The sexual screams and laughter kept echoing in his AI brain.


End file.
